The 2022 Annual Guide to Online Chess Servers

Hello readers. As you can imagine, chess is played by lots of people around the world and some of those people now have internet connections, allowing you can play them from the comfort of your basement. But what chess server should you use? Here's an unbiased review.

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Chess.com

Pros: Excellent investment advice from Hikaru Nakamura

Cons: Have yet to actually play these people:

Lichess.org

Pros: Only one man knows all the code, so if captured and interrogated can simply take a cyanide capsule and his secret technology will never fall into the wrong hands

Cons: Recurring horde chess nightmares

Chess24:

Pros: Fascinating exotic instructional videos featuring a scantily clad Simon Williams

Cons: Heavily censored since being bought out by Euro-Disney; before that, precarious financial condition after Jan Gustafsson's last visit to Atlantic City

Playchess.com

Pros: Probably still exists

Cons: Probably still trying to exhume Hitler's cryogenically frozen corpse

ICC:

Pros: Just happy to be here

Cons: Roman Dzindzichashvili's on and off affair with the UNIX command prompt has been known to create Lawnmower Man scenarios

FICS:

Pros: The best place to play bughouse with five or six people somewhere in Sweden

Cons: Disemboweling multiple account users seems a bit harsh

Chess.net:

Pros: Cutting edge applet-based technology

Cons: OS/2 Warp recommended for maximum compatibility

Chessworld.net:

Pros:

Cons: Just too damn good for this sinful earth

FIDE Online Area:

Pros: Doubles as an excellent way to meet eligible bachelors from all over the Former Soviet Union

Cons: Requires webcam for dress code compliance; drug testing breathalyzer device awkward to install